2022 almost killed me figuratively and literally. Filled with very intense "highs" and very depressive "lows", this was by far the most challenging time I've endured in my life, and I moved across the country by myself two weeks before a global pandemic. Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun and came crashing down. Through it all, I've grown in my faith and feel more aligned to the person I'm supposed to be.
I moved to Chicago with my supposed best friend in November of 2021, but didn't really embrace the change until the following January. I came to Chicago bc I felt stagnant in Atlanta. I felt like I had reached the pinnacle of what I could there, and I saw myself settling into domesticity (emphasis on settling). I knew if I didn't leave when I did, that I never would. At first things were exhilarating. I lived close to a friend from college, and she helped me with the initial transition (unpacking my apartment, cooking for me, and she even took me out around the city) but soon old patterns began emerging. Even though I came here to reinvent myself, I had a hard time acclimating. Part of the problem was because I wasn't all in. When I moved, I was still working at my ATL based job and was in a gray area with my then boyfriend so I would go back "home" often for work and to visit family. This back and forth left me feeling othered and like I was living a dual life. Eventually I did start doing things to make Chicago feel more like home- I participated in a leadership development program to establish a professional network, started bringing my camera to concerts and getting serious about photography, went to art galleries and generally tried to push myself to meet people. At the same time, I took steps to distance myself from my Atlanta life- after attempting to unionize with my co-workers for better pay/working conditions, I ultimately decided to leave my company. And my boyfriend and I decided we'd be better as friends.
While all of this was going on, my life was quietly crumbling around me. My friendship/living situation turned nuclear, I fell out with my college friend/life-line, and I left my safe, remote job without another one one fully cemented, all while struggling to secure another place to live (with no real familiarity to any place in my new city). I've dealt with some form of anxiety for most of my life, but this was probably the worst it's been over a prolonged time. I was dealing with set back after set back. I had panic attacks just about every day trying to assign some meaning and order to my life. I went through weeks where it felt like nothing was happening, followed by days where everything was happening all at once. In the span of a week (my last week in my apartment after I begged my landlord and estranged roommate for an extension), I officially left my job, found a beautiful apartment in my dream neighborhood and secured a second interview at a promising company. It seemed like my prayers were finally being answered. I used my severance check on my moving expenses and prepared to start over yet again. Of course life is never that easy. My first night in my new place was marked by a bad omen- my moving truck got towed and I had to borrow $500 to get it back. I got the truck back and began settling in, but I couldn't shake the feeling of calm before the storm.
I got the promising job, and very soon afterwards got my first car. On paper I was thriving- living on my own in a beautiful city, nice-ish car, good job with a salary AND an office. Internally though, I was miserable. I resented my job because I had been misled about the reality of the company/the work I would be doing; but I was too deep to pull out. I quickly realized that although I was making decent money, my salary was not enough to cover my rent, car note, and other expenses. The car itself was on it's last leg and could not withstand my hour-long commute. It had been years since I've worked in an office consistently and I struggled to maintain the routine of my life revolving around a job/commute. I kept missing things I wanted to do (I missed my Uncle's memorial and seeing my favorite musician in concert) bc I had to prioritize being in a damn office. Worst of all, I did not feel like myself but rather like I was playing the role of "Office Syd" to be accepted in my new workplace. I no longer had time to care for myself, I was on auto-pilot trying to keep up with everything. I did not have long to sit in my misery though, about 2 1/2 months after the dust settled, I ended up losing my job and the car. I spiraled HARD after that. While I wasn't necessarily surprised by the loss of either, I already felt like I was on Plan Z and I was exhausted from needing to pivot yet again after such an already overwhelming year.
I live by the lyrics "I'm here for a good time, not a long time" and I was very much feeling like "I haven't had a good time in a long time". I fell into a deep depression. I completely withdrew socially, began smoking a lot more (a habit that started when I was working that short-lived job to cope with the stress), and engaging in self-destructive behaviors. I cried damn near everyday for a month straight. I cried walking down the street, in the grocery store, on the train. I cried so much, I was surprised there were any more tears left inside of me to cry. For a minute, I was ready to give up. I would spend my days fantasizing about my death- how would my body be found? who would come to my funeral? I was so angry with myself for coming here. I was missing so many important events in my family's lives and for what? I thought I was moving to find freedom and independence but really I created a prison for myself. I felt stuck.
The holidays were hard- I wanted to visit my grandparents for Thanksgiving but I scheduled my trip to Atlanta for the wrong week. I also got into a huge argument with my father (we are still not talking). My sister visited for Christmas so I tried to put on a happy face but privately I was barely holding on. I spent Christmas and New Year's alone, choosing not to visit my family (a decision I do not regret). New Year's felt esp crushing bc I wanted more than anything to be in Atlanta but I just could not make it happen. I spent the day sobbing in my room with my phone on DND, and contemplating ending things.
Eventually, I got myself out of bed and took a shower. Around 11:30pm I made a pot of black eyed peas to go with the greens and cornbread I made for my sister and I decided to give myself 48 hours. In that time, I didn't talk to anyone- I just focused on my art and my website. A few days later on that first Wednesday, I went to the library for my weekly arts & crafts circle, I don't think I talked much (if at all), I just worked on my watercolor paintings. I've started making the art circle a weekly occurrence, it's therapy for me. I look forward to it, I put on a nice outfit and work on something different every week. But every week I'm creating. It's helping me to focus, and to rebuild my confidence.
I wish I could say that I'm flourishing now but the storm has not passed, and winter is not over. I feel like a tree that has shed it's leaves to conserve resources. I'm rebuilding. I still don't have a job and my housing situation is precarious, to say the least, but I'm taking things day by day. I'm making friends and feeling good in my body again. I'm smiling and laughing more. For now, I have chosen life.
Lessons:
* I cannot run from my problems or myself, I have to face them head on
* I don't have to have everything figured out, and it's unfair to expect myself to
Similarly: It is okay to fail and make mistakes, as long as I get back up and try again
* Family and community are active verbs, and take practice
Similarly: I have to let people be there for me, even (esp) when it's uncomfortable
* Sometimes (oftentimes) I am the one hurting my own feelings by reacting from trauma, not understanding
* There is a fine line between prioritizing my needs and being selfish
* Pride and ego will be the death of me
* I often self-sabotage bc disappointment feels familiar, but it is not healthy- I have to heal and grow for myself
* I am whole on my own, but with that said, I do need people. I was not meant to walk this world by myself
* I am crazy in real life, and not the fun kind
Playlist:
Who's Gonna Save My Soul x Gnarls Barkley
Teddy Bears x Terrell Ray
Escape This Circus x Bartees Strange
Process (the entire album) x Sampha
Wait x Shawnee Dez
La Vida Es Fría x Jason Joshua
My Body is a Cage x Arcade Fire
more x Mereba
Pray You Catch Me x Beyoncé
Retrograde x James Blake
Hanging On x Active Child
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